Cash Chronicles is taking a departure from talk of the markets and geopolitics for a few posts as I tend to a family member who is terminally ill this week.
It doesn’t mean I should stop writing, in fact this is a time I feel one should be even more motivated to write. Seeing someone near the end will give you a perspective and motivation to embrace life and take control of your own destiny now. It can snap you out of our day to day routine and remind us that there is an end, and we had better enjoy ourselves while at the same time doing all we can do to be fulfilled with what we have done with our lives at the end.
New Beginnings and Endings
I have never really had this experience as an adult. People had passed away when I was a child but it was something the adults handled. Some people I knew died at young ages when I was in my youth but those were usually sudden so I never had the chance to sit down with them and reflect on life, what they feel nearing the end and see how I myself would react.
Now I am at an age when people’s parents are passing away so we are those adults that have to deal with it. Not just the emotional part of accepting our loved ones fate but also the logistical part of caring for them while we await the inevitable, making sure their estate is in order and sometimes even keeping those who would take advantage of them in their state, at bay.
I managed to do some reading on how to approach the care of someone who is dying and most of the literature advised to follow their emotional lead. If they were downtrodden, don’t try to be the opposite and pick them up. If they are calm and accepting, reflect their calm back and if they are upbeat, well you can reflect that too. This acknowledges people’s dignity that they can choose to approach this moment how they see fit, because we will all likely deal with it different.
I was a bit worried about caring for this particular relative because they have a tendency to be a bit of a downer. I have become accustomed to hearing his sense of regret at many things: not spending enough time with his family, not spending enough time with his parents, not having the discipline to do things he always wanted to do. One memory he often mentioned that stands out in my mind was not learning to play the piano.
I have found that one of the (maybe unintended) gifts from hearing all those regrets over the years has been a strong sense of aversion towards living a life where I would become that person filled with regrets. Granted, we are two different people, part of it is just how some people are naturally inclined to view the world. Some see things in a more negative manner and some see things in a more positive manner. I would like to think I am more of the latter.
As I have aged I have realized that the key to pushing towards that sense of fulfillment, of the self actualización of your goals and dreams is not coming up with the grandiose scheme but it’s in the process. The process of taking a large goal and figuring out a way to break that goal down to years, then months, then weeks and then days and even hours. I had been hearing this relative complain that they never learned the piano probably for 20 years. Maybe when it came to this goal, he had a breakdown in that process.
It also made me think what if things were to be cut short for one of us, would we be satisfied with what we have done and what we have accomplished in our lives? If it all stopped now I would have my son and the impact on those around me to show for it. I would also have this blog. I would have surprised myself of two years ago to say I am proud of what I have accomplished given that I don’t get thousands of readers and don’t make any money from my writing but the simple fact that I was able to take that long term goal of writing a book and having a successful blog that helps people achieve their own goals and break that into a smaller, simpler goal of just writing twice a week. If I were to go now I would be happy to know that at the very least the trials, tribulations and lessons learned of the past 2 years of non stop writing have been recorded for anyone who cares to read.
Actually Giving Back
What I have found in these past few days is not just the wisdom received but the wisdom I am able to give back and the comfort I am able to leave my relative with. He asked often about my son and how he is doing as well as what went wrong with my failed businesses and my divorce. But I saw his spirits lift a bit as I told him about how these things had made me stronger and built up my resiliency. That they taught me valuable lessons on life and accepting people for who they are showing us to be, not what we hope for them to be. He also asked about my job and seemed to worry about my tenure there and my prospects. However there too, optimism won.
I explained how we often focus on the short term stress and fail to look past it, most of the time we expend a lot of effort avoiding our fears rather than confronting them. We can waste years, avoid a path a great success in our work lives as well as our relationships by avoiding those difficult questions or issues. I explained how if you look on the bright side of things, very few competent, educated people go years being unemployed, unless they are simply to picky or too headstrong to take something out of the box they want to fit in. So in this sense in the long run, I will be fine no matter what happens with my industry and my role, my flexibility is my strength.
His response to this was probably more telling than his initial questions: “that’s all I wanted to know, I just wanted to know you’ll be ok.” His response made me realize that deep down, if we ourselves have the confidence and the ability to know that we can right the ship no matter what the circumstance and things will still turn out alright, that this feeling is contagious. It spreads to those around us and can lift them up, even if they are facing something as serious as death.
Planning for the End
Being present for something like this has also given me an appreciation for any planning that can be done on the part of those that are older and may see their health decline. It’s been a superhuman effort on the part of an entire extended family with people flying in from all parts of the country in the middle of an upswing in Covid cases.
No one likes to plan for their demise but knowing that you can be cared for adequately, be in a comfortable environment and make sure you have your wishes met is probably what most people would want if they are nearing the end. However, the fear that we will meet the end may keep many people from having a contingency plan like this in place. No matter how much we don’t like it, life can sneak up on us quickly though. A lot of time is spent preparing a financial plan for retirement, obsessing over our portfolios, making sure we have adequate income that lasts well into retirement, but for all the planning and obsession with making sure we have enough, very little attention in retirement planning is given to end of life scenarios. This is when the importance of money disappears in the face of it all and when many people are at their most vulnerable. I can’t tell you how many charities and solicitors have called my relative’s place all throughout the day asking for money. That’s not to mention talk from other family members of a “friend” who has been taking monthly checks from my relative until recently.
In that sense, to avoid a swirl of chaos when we reach that eventual decline it may be worthwhile to include planning for an event like this and talk about it with our loved ones to develop a seamless plan should the inevitable occur. Not only would this at the very least supply some structure but would also potentially give one a greater sense of comfort and control knowing where they will be and who they may be around. Your last days don’t have to be filled with fear and bitterness, I am learning that this week.
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