This post is dedicated to my son.

This is not my son and I pictured here. In fact, you won’t find a picture of me or who I am on this website. Only my thoughts, observations and feelings. I want my readers to see themselves in me, no matter where you are from or who you are. The challenges we all face, the love we have around us, binds us together as people and show one another that each of us can achieve great things.

I spent many years working in the financial industry. Initially for my own selfish purposes but now I am embracing change in my life and seeing the gift of my experience and knowledge that I can give back. This is what I would like to be my legacy: showing people that financial decisions start with a vision, hope and optimism and then translating those to habits that bring money to you, not through you.

I had a rollercoaster week since my post So I Fainted at Work Today I experienced intense lows and intense highs after that post. Feeling like I may not see my son again or he may not see me again pushed me to do things outside of myself, swallow my pride and do what was in his best interest. The next day when I improved and could see him again I was a new person.

I embraced the small things at work, interactions with people, cracking jokes, learning about my clients, my co-workers, and actually taking the time to listen and put myself in their shoes. It was an amazing feeling. I worked harder than ever those days since last week. I connected dots that others didn’t, I noticed I inspired those around me to step up their level of work. I even arranged a meeting with an industry heavyweight who regularly appears on television.

My time with my son was a new experience. When I picked him up I pushed him in the stroller, as I always do, the 2 miles I have to walk him home. I listened to his stories, his interests, everything he pointed out around us. His excitement and interest in the things we take for granted was amazing. I felt I had a bond with him like I hadn’t before. I anticipated his needs, I understood what he wanted without speaking and I found the mental energy to be the best parent I could even after a long day at work.

Then Came the Dark

This is going to be hard for me to write about but here goes.

Then my time was up, I was happy for him to see his mother since I knew he had missed her but I had sadness within myself that that great time together would be coming to an end, even if it’s only until next week.

With nothing to do after work that day I collapsed home exhausted. The next day I started to check off all my productivity boxes again and was doing well, even into the evening. I only had one more chore left: to make my Cash Chronicles Instagram post and go to sleep. I was anxious about what to post (as I often am) so I reverted to a beer to help calm my nerves. Next thing I know the post never happened.

I woke up in my apartment the next day, seemingly feeling ok but a bit bad that I missed my post. No matter, I would push on as I had before and make up for it. In the meantime, I was scheduled to go with friends to the Yankee game.

That’s when the trouble started. I had strange thoughts on the way to the game and I knew something was not right with me. I tried to fight it with motivational videos I had downloaded and music, but it didn’t work. I had to dig deep down and remember all that I had learned and all that I had taught myself: this was a test. It is a trying time and it will pass, I just need to weather the storm.

When I arrived, there were malfunctions with everyone’s tickets. My friends hadn’t arrived yet and security directed me to wait in line to pick up our tickets which had already been purchased online. As I stood there, in an unusually hot September day, under the sun, no water, bad sleep and feeling down, the feeling came over me again: I am going to faint.

I did everything I could to fight it. I told myself that this could just be mental, that it’s only because I fainted recently that this was happening, but it didn’t work. I made it to the ticket window and took on even more of a sickly demur so the agent would have some pity on me. I wanted to tell her but I didn’t want to make a scene and have the EMTs come before my friends came. I thought of my friends standing there wondering where I was and what happened. There were tens of thousands of people around, they would have been stranded. I worked up the courage to message my friends and tell them where I was.

Despite all this, I didn’t pass out and they showed up. I told them of my situation and being good friends they walked with me to get water. They kept my spirits up during the game and I asked them to check on me after I came home to make sure all was ok.

It was. I thought I had survived the worst and looked forward to a good night’s rest.

It didn’t happen.

All my anxiety kept me up all night again. I woke up thinking I will push through work but the anxiety followed me. It was hard to function, I was doing frantic amounts of work to avoid thinking of other things. I knew I was still off kilter from Saturday but had to push through. My body had time to heal a bit, so why was I still feeling like this?

I made it through the day this time, no passing out and nothing crazy happening. I had faced the day and survived.

The Challenge Staring at Me

There was a huge challenge left: I had been so out of alignment since Sunday, I had not focused on my post. It was the same challenge being presented again, but this time felt even more difficult because of the high that I had been on last week.

I felt like I failed. I failed my co-workers, my family and my friends. I had to push myself even harder this time, reach down even deeper and see things for what they are: they’re not that bad.

There was something I could do, and that was make a decision. Make a decision to lift myself up, to make a change, to inspire myself with all the obstacles I have faced and overcome in life and use those collective experiences to take my thumbs and write another post. Just like I did before and just as I’m going to do other days.

We all have greatness within us. I didn’t work on my dream and my greatness for many years because of fear. Fear of what people would say, fear of criticism, fear of being laughed at, fear of people not liking me, fear of making enemies and fear of being alone.

I have faced down these things and continue to. Facing them has made me realize I still yet have challenges to face. Challenges that motivational videos cannot yet fix. So I scheduled a therapy session. If I can’t fix it myself, I can make a decision to work with someone to help me fix it.

I was beaten, I felt like failure and I felt like giving up, but I didn’t. Don’t you give up, you probably have it even harder than me but the greatness is in you, embrace it.

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